5 Ways to Respond When Asked to be a Feature Blogger.
When Darla first asked me to write for New World Mom, my first thought was “No effin way she’s going to like my shit.”
At least I censored ‘effin’ right? In a world of Mommy bloggers and Pinterest super parents, my un-adulterated way of telling stories can sometimes be…well…vulgar.
That said, I told her “Hell yes”. Verbatim, I think. She’ll figure it out quickly. And maybe I’ll get to stay.
So with that disclosure in place, I thought what better way to open up my new page here at New World Mom, then to provide you with my Top 5 Ways on how to react when you’re asked to be a feature blogger. (I say that like I get asked every day. Which I don’t. Almost never. Ok, this is the first time, but whatever.)
# 5. Scream. Like so loud only the neighbour’s dog from three houses down can hear you. In fact, scream for at least thirty seconds, until your face turns blue. And then pass out from excitement. The panic that you cause will surely provide you with even more space on the blog. Sympathy is a breeding ground for getting what you want. Allegedly.
# 4. Stick your nose in the air and pretend you don’t give a shit. Everyone loves a snobby bitch, right? I’m told it makes anyone look more important. Take it one step further and tell her that you need to evaluate which blogger is more influential before you decide where you will grace the internet with your beautiful prose. Say it exactly like that, too. And maybe add that you’re in such high demand that Ann Wintour has asked for some contributions and you’re not even sure you have time for her. The importance with ooooooooze out of you.
# 3. Pretend you didn’t hear the question. Once asked, stare blindly at them and mention your wine glass is empty and would they be so kind as to refill it for you. Then, after you’ve emptied it once more (or three more times, depends on if you’re drinking boxed, or bottled), casually ask “Ummm, so did you ask me a question earlier?” This delay provides you some internal debate time to review which responses above would be the most appropriate in the situation.
# 2. Lick her face. No, really. Do it. I hear a rumor that bloggers like their faces licked. I mean, I don’t….but I think it’s worth a shot, no? There’s a 60/40 chance she has a dog (I mean, don’t most Mommy Bloggers dress their dogs up and take pictures to post on their page?) and dog owners are always letting their loved ones lick their faces. I’ve seen it, somewhere. I think.
And the number 1 way to respond when asked to be a feature blogger:
Say yes. And be humbled. Because it truly is an honor. And I hope not one I completely Eff up. Which I may or may not have already done… and if so, I shall revert to # 2 and pray that Darla’s a face licker.