Tear open my chest and you’ll see my heart, a mess of wrangled twisted love gone wrong. Once trusting and true, it believed your declarations to be genuine.
It can’t alone be your fault, I let you through the door, handed you the key. I trusted words dripping from your lips basted in a caramelized tongue. The charm of a prince, and eyes that peered into my soul like an angel, I fell in love.
We fell in love.
We played in the fire, tangled in a flame I deemed real, truer than the lines covering the back of my hands your heart became one with mine. I wouldn’t question your sincerity or wonder how you could be so flawless. Too naïve and tender to know the contrast between control and love. I gave in to your tantalizing words. You devoured me easy and quick, giving me no choice but to believe you were true to all you discoursed.
It wouldn’t take long before I saw another side of you, a flash from your eyes, a demon on your lips and all I knew was lost. Your eyes would change from the angelic green I trusted, to putrid and gold. Hate behind irises cutting deep into my love for you. Words that were once beloved and beautiful stung like a thousand bees. Each venomous sound, taking a piece of my heart and dragging it across shards of glass, shredding its love from its once tender home. Cutting me down, until I only believed those dirty words to be true.
You would come back, at times glimpses of soft adoring eyes would lead me directly into your lions den. Words you placed precisely upon my ears would begin to provide me hope not all was lost, that you were still in there. That we could be the heart, I so frantically clung to being one with mine.
As quickly as I would forgive myself for falling into your rhetoric, another rush of yellow gold would flash across those once trustworthy eyes. Your snakelike tongue would lash and strip away all of what I knew to be confident and good within myself. Your detrimental expressions would become my truth. The man I knew and held in my heart, fading away into a mist, no longer available, someone I couldn’t distinguish anymore.
Hatred would absorb your heart, and fists would become your weapon.
There were days where behind repugnant gold eyes, you would disappear, and I would become your target, your enemy. I found myself pleading with you, and would wrap my arms around the back of your shoulders, yet not even my love for you calmed your angry heart. No words or begging could bring you back.
The first time your anger connected with my skin, my heart descended into my stomach. Broken and alone as the back of your head collided with my face. The sound of white noise and panic resolved as my knees folded underneath me.
All went black.
My tear filled eyes fluttered, attempting to open, as I lay wilted on the floor. Heavy-hearted, yet still trusting in you as my wits returned. Your gold eyes returned to green, matching the man I recognised as my own. Somehow and without thought, as my light inside dimmed, I forgave you. But as time would pass, and our course would thicken, it destroyed my faith in you.
Each time you blasted me with your poisonous tongue, I wish you had gazed deeper into my eyes, your words and fists were taking away my shine, destroying any love I once had for you, or myself. Removing the security I once placed right in the palm of your hand.
Those were the days; I lost myself in hurtful words and flying fists.
Those were the days I felt unworthy of love.
Today I know it’s a love I’m not worthy of, not because I don’t deserve love, but because I deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.