I see you. I see the angst, turmoil and pure madness in your country now. What I once perceived as a country full of pride, patriotism, football, stars and striped clothing, and weird beer hats has now dissipated into division and anger.
I get it.
Most of us Canadians feel the same way you do aboot Trump and his child like actions as President. (Maybe he actually is a toddler, might explain the tiny hands?)
Whilst you are fighting a battle like none I’ve seen in my lifetime, this Canadian has your back. Hell, I will even welcome you into my home.
But before I do, I would like to get some things out in the open aboot the country you honestly know very little aboot. The country which deemed a profound hashtag (#MovingToCanada) when many of you realized Donald Trump may, in fact, become your President.
It’s okay we aren’t upset we know you have a lot going on now. Especially now that you are being led by a man who can’t spell. We get it, we love you and we are here for you.
We are sorry. We are always sorry.
I know you don’t truly understand us Canadians, we are a somewhat quiet and well-mannered people, or so you think.
Albeit we do apologize more often than we should, we aren’t all sorry’s and excuse me’s. After all, hockey is OUR game, and it has some violent tendencies. P.S. Most of my male friends have at one time in their lives had no front teeth but don’t worry they apologized to the dentist in which they paid to have them fixed.
We understand it can be easy to forget aboot us up here in the great Canadian wilderness. Or as we are often labelled, The Great White North, (it’s the snow, not our people in which we’ve deemed that moniker). We don’t blame you, we know it can be difficult to see us through the wall of snow we shoveled from our walks and driveways while wearing our toques (Canadian for beanie). We apologize for that, though it isn’t our fault. We know you think it snows here all year-long, it’s okay Bob and Doug Mackenzie plagued us with many of the beliefs you have aboot us Canadians. Where I live it barely snows. I am in the city close to Seattle, in case you wondered. We call it Vancouver.
We can’t criticize you for not noticing us up here. We know you live in the greatest country on earth, you have told us — one zillion times. We understand it is way too hard to notice anything else when you are living the dream of jingoism.
In fact, we are used to you not noticing us. We have grown accustomed to being nothing but a small thought in your minds, even though Canada comes in second as the largest country in landmass, in the world.
Nonetheless, we are here, bridging the gap between you and your little state of Alaska.
Since the beginning of twenty sixteen when the reality of a Donald Trump Presidency began to take hold, your Canadian friends heard rumours of you fleeing The Land Of The Free, to hang out up here with your Canadian sisters and brothers. Possibly to take root, settle in the mountains. Eat some of our poutine (Canadian for – OMG yum – french fries covered in gravy and mixed with cheese curds) and hopefully, finally cheer for the real rulers of all that is hockey, Canada. The. Rulers. Of. Hockey. #SorryNotSorry.
We would love to have you. We may indeed develop an underground railway in case the great orange wall is built.
We are helpful people.
Personally, I would take a wack-load (Canadian for many) of you into my home if I could. I have a fair amount of chesterfields (Canadian for sofa), perfect for sleeping and am a decent cook. Although I do have some stipulations if you are to come to my country and live in my home, none of which are based on your religion, the colour of your skin or refugee status. We don’t care aboot that stuff in Canada, although we/me, want you to know we aren’t exactly what you think we are.
So please come and stay, but before you pack your bags (because the thought of sleeping on my chesterfield seems better than living under the reign of Donald Trump), let me state my conditions.
You friend, are going to have to learn the Canadian vernacular. Not because I want you to be like me/us, no, I am not trying to change you into a Canadian. Us Canadians like to believe our culture is a mosaic and not a melting pot. I am doing this to merely help you get through the day. I don’t want you to go without coffee because you have no clue what a double-double (Canadian for a coffee with two sugar and two creams) is. These are important things if you want to come live in my home, sleep on my chesterfield. We don’t need you getting in a kerfuffle (Canadian for mix-up or awkward situation) because you screwed up your coffee order in the Timmy’s (Tim Horton’s is where we buy our coffee, named after the Hockey player, see, I told you we are the rulers of hockey) drive-through.
Let me make it very clear, I DO NOT SAY ABOOT. Just like you, I say about. So don’t worry about changing your dialect to reflect that, you get what I’m saying, eh?
I also don’t say, eh? Like, ever.
However if we are hanging out one night and I happen to have, The Tragically Hip (Canadian for the best band on earth, get to know them and love them) blasting too loudly, I do believe you should know there WILL not be a Royal Canadian Mounted Police who shows up at my door. He or she will not gallop up to my front door on a horse in a red uniform. However, there will be no guns drawn, and we will respectfully be asked to turn down our music. That is unless the police officer happens to want to karaoke with us to Wheat Kings (Canadian for one of the best Hip songs ever.) I am speaking from experience. Also, we have shortened The Tragically Hip, to The Hip, this is important, I promise.
Now, if you are lucky I will make you some skookum (Canadian for great or amazing), Canadian bacon, it is much like your bacon, but thicker and better, kind of like our beer. Nothing goes better with a double-double than some Canadian bacon, promise.
However, because I like to keep in shape, and Canadian bacon is that much thicker, we may want to go for a run or jog later. I will grab my runners (Canadian for sneakers – to be fair I still have no idea why you all call them sneakers, what are you sneaking from? Ah right, Donald, I get it now) After our run we may be thirsty, I usually go for a tall glass of water after a run, but you may be craving some pop which I believe you all like to call soda.
Once our day is done, we can go back to my house and chill on my chesterfield, we don’t even have to talk by then so who cares about vernacular…we can turn on Canadian Netflix. Which truly means, we get half of the good t.v. you all do and watch something you all have already seen a thousand times.
Canada is a proud set of people, we do say SORRY more often than most and we love our Timmy’s, but in all honesty, we are the same as you. A few weird words, but hey (not eh?), we think y’all say huh and shoot squirrels for sport. Let’s get to know each other better before you come sleep on my chesterfield. I promise, it is comfy as fuck.
Still want to come to Canada? I’d love to have you.
Oh, one last thing…Hockey IS Canada’s game. 😉