There isn’t a person in my life who would tell you that I am a good driver. Do not mistake that for me being a bad driver; that’s not what I meant. I am neither a good driver nor a bad driver, I am a disinterested driver. HUGE difference.
From those who have driven with me, and from those who have been witness to the tales spoken from those who have driven with me, the overall assumption is that I just shouldn’t be behind a wheel.
And I agree.
I absolutely abhor driving with every bone in my body. In fact, the day I win the lottery (it’s not even an option, it’s happening) I will be hiring a personal driver who shall remain on-call 24/7. Then I’ll consider contacting a Money Manager. But until that personal driver is hired, my winnings will remain entirely in my control.
Driving takes concentration. It takes an interest in your surroundings. It takes patience. I have none of these on a good day. I also think I am allergic to traffic. This is a thing.
There was that one time that I decided to jump my fuse box instead of my truck battery. That was good times. In my defense though, the directions did not specify that the battery wouldn’t actually say battery and that it’s also very confusing when they throw in words like “ground”, and “dead” and “live”. Sounds more like an episode of CSI than directions on jump starting your vehicle. AMIRITE?
Lesson learned: Do not leave your GPS plugged into the cigarette lighter overnight. Also? Have a boyfriend and/or husband on vehicle duty at all times. I am still working on that last one.
There was also that time I drove into a stop sign and wrote my car off two weeks after I had paid the damn thing off. That was an exceptional day! My little man was 2 weeks old, and slept through the whole thing. Did you know that construction crews can put a stop sign into a concrete block and stick it right in the middle of the road when they’re putting in a new stop light? Me neither.
Lesson learned: Look both ways when turning left. Also? Have a boyfriend and/or husband on vehicle duty at all times. Again, I am still working on that last one.
And then there was that time that I backed into my garage door. WHILE I WAS PARKED INSIDE OF IT. You can’t make this shit up. I was neither drunk or on my cell phone either. (Disclaimer: I never drink and drive.) Did you know that garage doors are made of disintegrating material that will crumble if you even flick it with your fingertips? Me neither.
Lesson learned: DON’T DRIVE. Also? Have a boyfriend and/or husband on vehicle duty at all times. And once again, still working on that last one.
It’s not that I do anything wrong. Or that I am a danger to others on the road. Because I am really just a danger to myself and my property. Nothing or no one, except my own pride and personal belongings, has ever been injured/damaged in any single one of my driving mishaps. But the reality of the situation is, I am not changing. This is who I am. And as long as the government continues to provide me with a valid driver’s license, these fantastic stories will continue to happen.
And how perfect that I can share them with all of you.