I’ve been on a lot. And funny enough, not a lot of second dates. Weird. I’d like to say they’re all by choice, and some have been, but even I am not the perfect mate for everyone. rolls eyes.
Now, those first dates that have turned into second dates, and third dates, and in some cases, fourth dates, haven’t ended up being the most amazing of experiences either. One, because HOLY FUCK THERE ARE SOME PYSCHOS OUT THERE, and two, because HOLY FUCK I CAN BE A MORON WHEN IT COMES TO DATING.
Dating is hard. Time and time again I hear that it’s a game; a game that no one ever really wins, yet everyone plays. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. But whatever.
One such dating experience I HAVE to share. At the time? Not funny. Now? Hilarious. And if we can’t laugh at ourselves, who can we really laugh at, right?
I met the guy online. Looks-wise he was up my alley: tall, dark, carried a bit of extra meat (I’m a chubby-chaser), and a sexy ‘ol 5 day beard. I love beards. He appeared to have it all together, too. A good job, a beautiful home in an affluent neighbourhood, and a tight family, something I find extremely important in those that I date. In a way, this guy was Mr. Right. And when you’ve been as single as long as I have, you hold tight on to these ones when they suddenly appear out of nowhere because it’ll be another millennium until you find another one.
Now, he wasn’t without flaws. He had three kids, and a recent ex-wife, who, as he explained to me, was crazy as fuck. Red flag, sure. Did I take it and run? No, of course not.
Date one turned our terribly. He talked incessantly about the crazy ex-wife, drank about a pitcher of beer to himself, and forced a sloppy first kiss in the parking lot. And yet, I still walked away with a smile thinking to myself: It can only get better from here. Seriously, Carmen? What was I thinking?
By date three, he was requesting a sleep over. I was hesitant, BUT, as a single woman with needs, this was as good opportunity as any, right? So off I went to his place in the evening after his kiddos were asleep.
And this is where it gets fantastically hilarious, and Lifetime movie-worthy.
At 8am, with NO warning whatsoever, three kids came piling into the bedroom, jumped on the bed, tapped me on the shoulder and proceeded to cuddle. CUDDLE. Yes, you read that correctly. CUDDLE. My “date” introduced me, called me his friend and we spent the next few minutes chit chatting in bed WITH HIS THREE KIDS. And then? The nanny came in. She was cool. A Czech model with a body I’d murder a small village for, but cool.
After a little bit, it was decided that Dad would make everyone breakfast. I went downstairs in pajamas, thinking that I’d high tail it out of there as soon as we ate. There was some brief chit-chat about his plans that day (I heard something about taking one kid to a birthday party, and another one to the pool with the nanny, and something about his Mom helping him with the third kid while he packed up a bunch of things the ex was requesting.) Ok, so he was busy. Perfect for me to make a clean get away.
As bacon was sizzling and children were watching cartoons, I heard a slight scuffle at the front door. And then all hell broke loose…
Three voices screamed in unison: “Grandma is here!!!!!!!!”. At full volume.
In walked my date’s Mom. True Story. We’ve been dating for exactly one week, and here I am sitting at his kitchen table in my pajamas, meeting his Mom.
I don’t think I need to mention the awkwardness of the moment, do I? She was polite. Shook my hand. And then completely jumped on board with me taking the kiddos and nanny to the pool. What. The. Fuck.
So I did. I also took them to lunch. By myself. Because Dad was busy. And who better than to take the kids and nanny out for the afternoon than the girlfriend you’ve been seeing for ONE WEEK?
I learned a lot of lessons during this experience, one such being that I need a pair of balls to stand up for myself, but also, and more importantly, I need to be a bit more choosy when deciding to go past the first date. Sure, he was a nice guy. And sure, he’ll make some woman happy one day. But for me, the situation was warp speed in a slow-lane world I like to live in.
But I guess that’s part of life, right? Learning as we go. And a lot of first dates.
Free Image courtesy of Stuart Miles and FreeDigitalPhotos.net