When Starbucks introduced the Unicorn Frap, I could barely contain my mediocre response. Don’t get me wrong; I love Unicorns, and sparkly colourful rainbows, although probably not as much as I am supposed to.
The trend bewilders me.
I have no intention of offending the lovers of imaginary, fantastical prism coloured horses with horns protruding from their heads. I believe in magic and fairy tales as much as Alice did while falling into the acid trip we all read as Wonderland.
However…I am confused.
What the actual fuck does a Unicorn taste like, and why are we flavouring food with it? Who has the time to rainbow-ize their food? I feel like these are valid questions.
If you doubt in any way society has taken Unicorn spiced morsels to a level in which may be a tad concerning. I challenge you to head over to Pinterest.
To better understand the rising popularity of the Unicorn trend, I did just that ( obviously Pinterest is the best place to do Unicorn-Food research ).
People! There are at least one zillion boards dedicated to Unicorns; It’s wall-to-wall glitter vomit. Not only Unicorns but foods transformed into Unicornyness. ( Yes I made up that word, and yes I meant it to be as ridiculous as the existence of food with Unicorn names ).
I’ll admit to finding the rainbow coloured foods mesmerising. As well, there is the strange effect glitter has on my ability to stay focused. Shiny objects.
But can we not agree it’s becoming too much? Unicorn bacon. Unicorn pizza. Healthy, Unicorn vegan toast ( I can’t even with the “healthy” of rainbow coloured toast ). These are merely a few of the thousand examples I found while perusing Pinterest.
First, please don’t change my bacon. I prefer my sowbelly to be of the greasy kind. Moreover, to leave me feeling a little pang in my heart after consuming the entire package. Second, if I wanted to eat rainbow coloured pizza I would have cashed in that golden ticket I received for my fifth birthday when I believed in Oompa Loompas and the existence of the Chocolate Factory. Third, toast? Really?
To be completely transparent, I haven’t put any Unicorn flavouring in my mouth, so it isn’t the essence of Unicorn in which I dislike, I suppose it is my lack of Hipster-ness or my desire to drink or eat anything which looks like regurgitated rainbow barf. I believe that is called the toddler years and I have spent my fair share of time cleaning spectrum coloured gunk from children’s mouths. ( Imagine the flu after a trip to Candyland ).
But, what do I know?
Starbuck’s lead market researcher clearly knows what’s up better than I.
Obviously hanging out on Pinterest one day she decided to bring the Unicorn Frap to the boardroom. “Guys, we have to jump on the Unicorn trend, let’s make a drink so fattening there will be more controversy than our red cups at Christmas. We will call it the Unicorn Frap. There is no such thing as bad press!” And it worked, the entire world jumped on a Fluffy Unicorn cloud with a rainbow jutting from it.
Albeit the hipsters will tell you it was uncool before Starbucks made it mainstream.
I’m no trendsetter.
My kids are happy when I don’t mess up the words to their favourite songs. I am more than willing to accept an inadequate perception of what is on fleek. ( The words on fleek even feel uncomfortable leaving my lips ). I live an awkward existence between believing I am cool hip Mom of teenagers and realising my yoga pant wardrobe gives me away. Unless wearing a Mom-bun in my hair, and slathering my face in Vitamin E oil is the newest hottest trend. If so, you’re welcome, I’ll see you on TMZ.
It’s not that I shun the trend, I suppose it isn’t much different from Tiger Tail flavoured ice cream — in which I also rebelled against, ( I just can’t get behind orange and liquorice flavoured anything. Not my jam ). Does anyone buy Tiger Tail flavoured ice cream anymore? No? Weird? Presumably, replaced with the Unicorn Cone.
Before you proclaim me a Unicorn hater, rainbow antagonist or adversary of the glitter. Hear me out. I merely want my food to look and taste like food. Call me boring. Call me whatever you like, but perhaps we are colouring our food with rainbows because we lack colour in our lives ( woah, that may be too deep for this post ).
Either way, I have a sneaking suspicion Starbucks may have killed the Unicorn by making it mainstream. For this, I want to thank Starbucks. Maybe now I can focus on my work, rather than glittery rainbow cake.
Have you guys seen the black ice cream with edible activated charcoal? That’s more like the colour of my soul. Let’s see how long it takes Starbucks to kill that trend.