I have written on this blog for over three years now; I started, not knowing a fucking clue what I was doing. But I can tell you this; I have strived to be emphatic and uplifting. It is not only my nature and a part of who I am but also a requirement for me.
I swear, cuss and speak my cold hard truths, unapologetically. But maybe you don’t know me, not really, perhaps you have read bits and pieces of this blog, thoughts, and some journeys I’ve traveled.
However, it isn’t all who I am.
You may think I am insecure and passive. Sometimes I am. Maybe you see me as confident and brave. I have my days. Or somebody who shits rainbows and positive memes after my morning coffee. Sometimes I do. But what you don’t see is the years of work and the struggles I’ve endured to get here. To become who I am today. Not to say I won’t continue to evolve and change. However today I am in a position where positivity and acceptance are a necessity.
It doesn’t mean it isn’t exhausting spreading cheer and love. Because there are days, I want to leave the hell that is my mind. Shut down the wounds that are a constant in my head, and give up. But I don’t and I won’t. So I remind myself, with positivity and love, I am worth it. You are worth it, and all of us are in this together.
I am present in who I am. If I have learned anything about myself, it is, I have to be present. I must feel every emotion and taste every pain. Part of the reason I started this blog was to have a place to release emotions, and in doing so, hopefully, help others recognize they are not alone.
I use my voice when I want, how I want, and in my opinion. Including but notwithstanding, spreading love and positivity.
What you see of me, your perception, it is who I am, but I am so much more.
Allow me to introduce myself; I am Darla.
I am the toughest, most courageous warrior you will ever meet. But I don’t say shit like that. I don’t rip the shirt from my chest and show you the scars. I don’t tell you how bad ass I am because I struggle with thinking it myself.
I am the only one who knows how my messy, sometimes happy, sometimes terrified, sometimes pissed off, at times bitchy, sometimes passionate, empathetic, gorgeous, brave, intricate brain works. And the truth is, I don’t invariably know how my mind operates all the time either. But I know it is good and kind, despite what the world has thrown on my lap…and…because of it.
The truth is, I have been a victim to some awful fucking situations. Terrible shit that no one person should endure in a lifetime. The pain I have worn has made me who I am, given me empathy and taught me tenacity.
But I am not the only one who has felt pain, been a victim. Therefore I don’t measure my pain against anyone else’s. We all feel, react and recover from pain differently. No matter how many times we have been through it. I can only do my best to overcome MY pain, and work towards a better me.
I struggle, we all do.
But never doubt that I am one tough woman. Don’t assume because I am humble, I am not proud. Don’t for one second believe I wouldn’t shoot fire from my warrior-heart if you wrong a loved one, or hurt my children. I am a fighter, I have been the bravest fucker you will ever meet. I have stood in the doorway of abuse and despair and swallowed fear. If necessary, I will do it again.
I forgive to a fault. I believe we all make mistakes. Use words we don’t mean, and falter at times. I have felt condemnation in my errors, it has shattered my heart, and why I believe in forgiveness. But because my fuse is long it does not mean the fire doesn’t burn out. I may take hurt, but only for so long. Once I am done, there is no turning back for me.
My passion overflows and bubbles out my mouth with a vengeance. At times, I stand so firmly for what I believe in, I hear no other recourse. Stubborn and proud. Often pushing my opinion to the point of no return. Yet there are times, I will sit quietly and listen to an opinion, and revel in the diversity of my world. Hoping to learn something new.
The point is, I am diverse, and could write for hours about who I am. Although from beginning to end I may start to contradict myself. My thoughts change, sometimes within seconds of having them. But it does not mean I am indecisive, not always, or am I? winks
I am on a journey of self-discovery. One in which I hope never ends, I beg to evolve and discover for the rest of my time here, with the rest of you gorgeous humans. I want to learn from each of you. But also want to use my voice to give you my perspective when I am having it.
Thoughtless, and thoughtful.
Strong, yet weak.
Kind, and mean.
Broken, but mending.
Moody and content.
Lost, yet soul-searching.
Insecure and proud.
Loving and hurtful.
And SO MUCH MORE.
I am never perfect, but always human.