I’m just going to blurt it out … I have a vibrator ( or 3 ). I don’t think they’re called vibrators, maybe dildo’s, I don’t know. What I do know is one of them has a face on it, creepy right? The reason, (or so I was told) is Canada wouldn’t allow sex toys into the country unless sold as a novelty item. Whether or not that is true, it clearly didn’t matter to me at the time of purchase.
Either way, let’s get back to this creepy dildo. Not only does it have a face, it looks like a totem pole. ( I know, how cliché, a Western Canadian with a Totem pole shaped dildo.) None of this mattered to me; it did its job and well I might add. There is only one problem with having a sex toy shaped like a Canadian Totem pole. Children, young cute innocent children that may-not-be-able to decipher between mommy’s toys and their own.
Let me set the Stage
I was having one of those ah-mazing summer nights. Both my kids were in bed, and I was all alone. As per the norm, I cracked a bottle of wine and called my bestie on the phone. (NO, this isn’t the dildo part!) The two of us spent a couple of hours talking about the kids and complaining about our significant others. 2 hours and a bottle of wine later; this girl was drunk. Want to know what happens when I get red wine drunk? Two things, I either turn into an angry elf. Or I get a little randy if you know what I mean. This night happened to be the latter.
Fumbling my drunk ass upstairs to my bedroom. I headed directly toward my tickle trunk. Under lock and key, it took me a few minutes and one eye closed to focus on opening that sucker up. Determined, if nothing else.
Once I had my Canadian Totem Pole in hand, I headed back downstairs. Why I didn’t just stay in the safety of my bedroom is beyond me. Wait, I know why I was drunk! Getting myself situated on the couch and almost ready to go to funky town. I passed out, never to see the funky town. In doing so, I somehow lodged my totem pole between the sofa cushions never to think of it again.
That is until the next morning.
Waking up a little groggy and somehow in my bed. I headed to my kids room’s to wake them up. It was Saturday, and my daughter was having a few friends over for a mid-afternoon play date. I needed to tidy the house. You know, get rid of the evidence. The problem was I didn’t remember that I had ever gone to my tickle trunk.
After getting the kids ready for the day, ( at the time ages 4 and 6 ) I plunked them in the living room and headed off to the kitchen to make snacks for the play date.
About a half an hour later the doorbell rings. With a little more prep to do, I shout down to the front door “come in.” Not yet leaving the kitchen, my daughter’s two friends and their Moms head up the stairs to the living room. Wiping my wet hands on my shirt I walk in to greet them.
And the reason Dildos should not have faces on them:
Coming around the corner of the kitchen I see two moms with a look of shock on their faces.
I would like to add, I only had met these Moms through school drop off and pick up. We weren’t close, not enough to have had the masturbation conversation.
After I had witnessed the dismay on these Moms’ faces, I quickly turned my attention to my kids. What I saw next changed the rest of the school year for me. Drop-off and pick-up, never to be the same. My son was holding the Canadian Totem Pole in one hand and his favorite Rescue Hero action figure in the other. And it was full on Action-figure warfare! Because I wasn’t mortified enough, my daughter jumps in and grabs the Dildo out of my son’s hand. Waving it around like a lightsaber she runs toward her friend and smacks her on the arm. With. My. Dildo.
With lightning-speed, I grab the sex toy from my daughter’s hand. Stammering and trying to find a way to explain this fiasco. I finally turn to these two Mom’s and spout out “I don’t usually let them play with sex toys, it’s just I had a bottle of wine last night.” So yeah, that explained it! Ugh Thankfully, these two Mom’s ended up being kind of cool and laughing it off.
I want you to know, things were never the same after “Dildo-Gate”. There seemed to be fewer play dates, particularly in my house. A little less mindless banter at pick-up and drop-off. Whisper’s coming from Moms on the playground, pointed looks. Oh, and a lot more attention from the Dads.
So be careful moms learn from my mistakes. Kids will play with anything, and I am living proof.