I have never been one to resolve to change my life after a New Year. It’s not that I don’t believe in fresh starts or new beginnings, I do, I’ve had my fair share of turning over a new leaf, and beginning anew. I’m not judging the whole New Year’s Res thing; it’s a great concept. What’s wrong with foreseeing your goals, writing them down and having something to look forward to in the New Year? Nothing I say, nothing at all.
I just don’t do it. I have never done it. I do set goals, usually on fire, with my lack of completion, and propensity to procrastinate. If anyone is good at starting a project and leaving ends untied, it would be me. I’m not sure if I’m even going to finish this blog post. I quip, I will at the very least finish this post. Hopefully before next year. Alright, I’m not that bad, I do tend to exaggerate my shortcomings. Self-deprecating humour is the bomb, no?
This year I am thinking about jumping feet first onto the resolution bandwagon, and hopefully, I don’t jump off mid-January.
I don’t want to shoot too high here; it is my first time and all.
I will write an unquestionably attainable list of well thought out resolutions. My fragile ego doesn’t need more disappointment in the upcoming year, nor does it need an overpriced gym membership to – Look At How Good I Look In My Tank Top Unlimited.
Crap, I don’t even know how to start one of these lists, but here I go.
I resolve to:
1) Drink all the coffee I want.
I don’t care if caffeine isn’t good for me. Listen, Doctor, who ever the fuck you are, your case study, of the twenty Moms wearing yoga pants at Starbucks, proclaiming drinking too much coffee can cause anxiety, is bullshit. I have anxiety because I have two teenagers, one of which is a hormonal lady-girl, who believes everything I say is meant to attack her “rights” as human. So yeah, this year, I will drink ALL the coffee.
2) Take my Christmas Tree down before Valentine’s Day.
I said attainable, right? I am usually the girl, hung over as fuck, taking my tree down New Year’s Day. And every year I think to myself, why? Why am I putting myself through this? Okay, I do know I could probably drink less New Year’s Eve, but that’s not going to happen, so this year I resolve to have this dry as a banana chip tree out of my house before Valentine’s Day. Truth, I will most likely be taking the tree down January second this year, baby steps.
3) Clean my oven.
For reals, it’s a self-cleaning oven, why am I not doing this more than once a year? Oh, I know, because the moment I decide to turn on the self-cleaning oven, is usually the warmest day in spring. Yeah, so that’s how the oven cleans itself, it heats up to a volcanic like temperature and burns all the crap I’ve let spill into the bottom of it for the past three years. Thus requiring me to open all the doors and windows, because holy hell, my house gets as hot as hell ( or so I can assume ). This year, maybe I will take down the tree and clean the oven at the same time. Ha, nope, I won’t.
4) Spend one full day a week in my pajamas.
The challenge here will be wearing pajamas less than two days a week. I have been known to spend an entire weekend/week, in flannels. I work from home guys; this resolution is going to be the most difficult one to keep. My plan, ha-ha, you actually thought I had a plan, I don’t. But I will keep you posted on this one, I may be setting myself up to fail here.
5) Stay awake through an entire movie.
Flash back to resolution number one, who cares if I have the caffeine shakes during The Lord of The Rings ( the movie is 2hrs and 58mins long); I already told you I don’t give a rat’s ass about Doctor so and so’s case study. My kid’s need me on this one, too often are they wiping the drool off my cheek, while the credits are rolling.
Alright there it is, my list of easily attainable, barely failable New Year’s Resolutions. I know, I know, I went all out on this one. Before you start patting me on my goal orientated back, check back in on me, say around January 15th.
Happy New Year to you all, much love to you this upcoming year. xoxoxo