Today I want to sink into my couch curl up and neglect the world. I am bitter and sensitive, emotional and drained. I don’t know how to feel because I don’t want to feel at all. I want to shut the door, forget all the pain life has inflicted upon me.
I can feel my heart shriveling, debating whether it’s worth the bright days promised.
I’m not depressed; I’m sad. It won’t last forever. Today is just one of those days where the weight of the world measures heavy. It could be the rain pressing against my window, beating on the glass, reminding me of my injuries, obstacles placed at my feet, pains I have no choice but to address.
Maybe it was the man I passed on the street dragging his oxygen tank behind him, reminding of the sickness and disease resting upon my family’s shoulders.
Or the bills, piling up in the corner, continuously reminding me money is tight, and Christmas is drawing near.
Perhaps it is my impending court date I wait for with heavy breaths and panic attacks.
Could it be the memory of past hurt creeping in, as an anniversary crosses? Quite possibly.
It could simply be, I’m tired. Or maybe I am just having a bad day, likely just a melancholy mood holding back the smile I habitually paste across my face.
Today I feel sad, tomorrow these pains will be easier to wield, or the next day, possibly next week, but I will push through, I always do.
Sadness is an emotion I have spent a lifetime neglecting. One I’ve buried so deep in my heart I forgot how to deal with it. Feigning a smile, pretending everything is peaceful in my mind, often immersing my torment in the abyss of my soul. And I am not the only one, it’s a human trait to hide sadness, or expose vulnerability.
The problem with ignoring pain – it’s meant to be felt.
Without the sting of nerve endings catching the air, how would we know whether we truly feel anything at all. I’m not saying it needs to be dwelled upon, but it does need to be acknowledged.
That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt. – John Green
I’m exhausted; my subconscious is tired of masking grief and pretending my Sadness isn’t an emotion I should reveal. I’m tired of not reaching out, hiding behind a disguise I carefully place over tears and pained eyes.
There is no shame in sadness, and if I don’t let this emotion out, show the world I hurt, I will again bury it deep inside, which can be harmful to someone recovering from addiction.
Sadness is an emotion we carry as a burden, embarrassed by it, even ridiculed at times for displaying it. How often have I heard from friends or loved ones, just be happy or don’t cry, it’s not the time or place. Who’s to say it’s not the time or place? If sadness overwhelms you at a given moment, isn’t it exactly the time?
There isn’t a magic pill that takes you from despair to joy. Burying sadness is a dangerous game. It will rise, and when it does, the burden may weigh heavier than it has ever before.
In my experience, concealing my hurt caused a life altering addiction, one I have to live with for the rest of my life. But in overcoming my addiction it also brought me a truth. A truth I need to embrace so I can be authentic with myself and the people in which I surround myself. Acknowledging all my pain has become the way I have to live.
Pain, not only is meant to be felt, but it’s also a necessity, one I must own with all of my energy to sustain a healthy unaddicted lifestyle.
For without dark times, there would be no light.
The truth is, I’m not always happy, no one is. Letting ourselves embrace our pain, takes away its power. A power we often deny.
I reiterate, pain is meant to be felt. We all have demons hiding within us; I must embrace mine, let them out.
So now I’m sad, and I am writing about it, because, we all know sadness, feel tired and down, but we don’t all know where sadness can take some people, me. I don’t want to succumb to the darkness of my thoughts, or let them control the way I view my world. Instead, I will embrace the quiet and the darkness of those moments. Without them I may lose myself. Or even worse, I may choose not to undergo any emotion, which in turn would most likely cause a relapse into addiction.
So I will let myself feel tearful, encompass it and let it all out.
Sometimes I am sad, and every day I am human.
I’m sure tomorrow will be a better day.