Adjective. a man cold is found exclusively within the Y chromosome. This particular strand of the common cold results in individuals acting like a little bitch and crying about a stuffy nose and mild cough. Symptoms include whining, complaining, and an inability to lift a finger.
Synonyms: baby, little bitch, mammas boy, sissy, wimp
Antonyms: ‘the woman cold’ in which a woman can be dying of internal bleeding and manage to pass it off as just a paper cut.
It’s no secret ladies, when your man is sick, the world is ending. You know what I am talking about… the silent sniffles turn in to hocking loogies. The infrequent cough is suddenly every three seconds with multiple dry heaves and the occasional spit up. The mild aches and pains have suddenly become unbearable pain that they can somehow easily compare to hard labor. Oh fuck right off.
We’ve all dealt with this dreaded disease at least once, many of us multiple times. And we’ve handled it wrong, every.single.time. Anger, frustration, even throat punching when we’ve had enough of the incessant bitching and moaning, isn’t working. For real.
For most of us, this man cold can last days, sometimes weeks. And you know why? Because we aren’t falling for the bullshit and we’ve ignored their symptoms. I get it, succumbing to the whining seems like we’re losing, but trust me on this one: 24 hours of catering to your man is so much less painful that a week of the man cold blues.
I’ve seen it all: 3.5 hour naps at least twice a day. A box of Kleenex used-up in 4 hours (with nothing more than remnants of their pulled pork sandwich you made them in the corner). Deep, painful cries that they “can’t take it anymore”. And the ever so popular, “there’s nothing a Doctor can do for me now”. Because, obviously, they’re dying. No question.
Keep in mind, we alone have the power to combat the man cold ladies. Through my own man cold struggles I have come up with the sure-fire way of curing this debilitating and sometimes untreatable disease in less time than it would take by ignoring it. Guaranteed.
- ✓ Turn on the TV immediately. Find a football or hockey game or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit special and give him the remote control.
- ✓ Fill up a hot water bottle and keep it refreshed every hour. The chills are apparently deadly.
- ✓ He’ll be way too hoarse to call for you every 30 seconds, so make sure to check in on him every three minutes. A little bell is also helpful.
- ✓ He will require an endless supply of tissues, cookies, chips, candy and Ginger-ale. Make sure that you pick all his favorites.
- ✓ Be sure to put his favorite magazines within arms reach, and consider taking the iPad away from the kids so he can play Temple Run or Candy Crush for endless hours.
- ✓ He’ll be way too exhausted and weak to get up and make his own lunch, so pick up something from McDonalds or Wendy’s and tell him his diet can wait until next week.
- ✓ Once he shows signs of improvement (by whining there’s nothing on TV and asking what you’re doing every 4 minutes), he’s ready for movie therapy! Consider Rudy, Shawhshank Redemption, or the Last Mile. A Stars Wars marathon is also proven to relieve symptoms, as well as allow you some peaceful hours away from playing nurse.
- ✓ If a week has gone by and there’s no sign of improvement, bring out the big guns: (no don’t kill him,even though you want to). Have a chick flick movie-night with the girlfriends consisting of Beaches, Pretty Woman, Steel Magnolias, and My Girl. And if he hasn’t jumped out of the bed and into the shower after that, tell him you can’t remember if you feed a cold, starve a fever or the reverse, so you’re shipping him off to his Mom’s house.
Listen, no matter how hard we pray for it, there will never be a man cold vaccination. We can ignore the epidemic and pretend it doesn’t exist, but the truth is it only prolongs our agony (not theirs). Buckle up, stand tall, swallow your pride, and give him the best, most believable performance of your lifetime. It’s truly the best way to survive the man cold. Seriously.