As tears roll down my face and my stomach clenches, I realize I have changed my life forever. I have perpetually followed my heart and in doing so, I followed a path not many would take, or admit to taking. And without the need or want of owing an explanation to anyone but my broken heart, let me, at least, give you this, the road traveled was severe. A road I chose, deserving each scar placed here for it.
I walked through thorns, ripping and tearing at my skin, reminding me with each step; I wasn’t taking the easy road. The blood was caressing my shin as it slowly made its way down my leg, cautioning me of the pain I would cause as I moved along this path. Yet, I felt a pull, a necessity to keep moving forward, something in my heart drawn to the light peering through the trees at the end of the trail. A glow my eyes could barely make out without squinting, but a feeling my entire soul required in a way that made my skin charge with a soul-stirring electricity I had never known.
I pressed on.
Each step along the unbeaten path weighed heavy on my heart, emotions pouring from the sweat leaking out of my pores as I climbed over cliffs of uncertainty. My fingers, bleeding as I clung to jagged rocks jutting out towards my good intentions. Blood stained my hands, and wary thoughts prompted me to want to quit, yet my emotion inspired me to climb further. The glow was becoming brighter, and with each moment I drew closer, the more passionate my soul ignited.
And just as the warmth of the sun would filter through the thicket I would stumble upon another barrier of guilt and remorse. Trudging through thick blackened mud, my steps towards the intimate glow became dark, lost in body, yet pushed by the desire to have the flame in my heart warm my entirety. Heavy footed, and propelled by the force of passion, not discernment; I kept moving towards the light that fueled my heart.
While the sun from the glow, I had chased all this time, commenced to warm my face, my feet suddenly swept from underneath me. Landing me directly on a rock-filled path of judgment. Splitting open my head, causing blood leaked thoughts of skepticism to stain my face and hair. Just as I had almost made my way to what my heart could only describe as its other half, the reality of the path I walked on became unmistakably remorseful. And as the blood pooled around my head, the glow flickered off it unassumingly into my eye. Revealing the glint my heart needed to lift my weary head, and push towards the radiance my heart so desperately needed to feel whole.
Placing my hands at my sides, I pushed my bruised body up to stand, and as my eyes focused, I was met with shadows of doubt casting off disgraced and begrimed trees. The light I had chased began to fade behind mystical clouds, causing my heart to darken and lose faith in the journey it had led me on. With little trust left in my body and soul, I looked up to the sky and cried out pitches from an eclipsed heart, sounds that had never left my lips. A hurt I had never imagined consumed the slowing rhythms of my now jaded fortitude. The path seemed to begin closing in on me, the wind whispering through veiled tree limbs telling me to turn around.
I shifted my march toward the light. The same radiance which seemed to carry my heavy body in a weightless manner. My reckless soul was fevering for the taste of its partner, wishing to attach itself to mine. The path grew cold, coated with ice and snow, my toes became numb to the truth of what rested ahead. Suffering each pained step my mind now played tricks on what I thought to be real, questioning if I had ever seen a light at all.
Finally emerging from the white storm promptly overwhelming my body to its waist, I fell upon a field of untouched beauty, which sat blissfully in front of my sight. A snow-covered meadow softly draped with my hopes and dreams. And as the glow I had followed all this way warmed my entirety as I had hoped, I came to realize I hadn’t been chasing the other half of my soul, it was happiness I had looked for all along. This path hadn’t been solely mine to take, and as I looked back at the jagged, rough route, I had carefully mastered to get here. I knew my other half was with me all along. It had been since the beginning of time.
This heart has led me down routes of destruction riddled with pain and torture, but it has also escorted me through those tumultuous times, giving me the strength to believe in it, for that I am grateful. I hold contempt in this heart for pains it has caused.
I may not understand why I chose the hard route, but I will never regret the journey, and the pain it took to find myself.