Hours pass, and I still hear nothing the silence is deafening, but I can’t go help, I have no way of getting there, R has the car. My guilt is overwhelming; I call again … Nothing.
Tonight I am so scared I am going to lose my friend forever!
Her letter to The Next Girl.
Open letter to the next girl:
First of all, you need to know it’s not your fault. Now, I’m not giving you a free pass here. You have issues you need to address. There was a reason he chose you, and you will be selected by the next if you don’t deal with it. What I am saying is what he is doing to you is wrong, and you need to see that.
I know it started out well. He was so sweet and told you all the things you always wanted to hear. You never got to see that side of him until you had fallen in love. I understand, but you need to pay attention now before it gets worse if it hasn’t already. And it will get worse.
At first you don’t even notice that he doesn’t seem to have any empathy. You are too busy soaking up the compliments and trying to help him fix all the things you think he has so bravely shared with you. He’s not brave. He’s setting you up. He’s telling you that he’s never shared this with anyone before. Don’t believe it. He “shared” it with me. And the girl before me. And yes, the girl before her. And I’m sure it goes back further.
He will tell you I am bitter, and I suppose I am. He’ll find you amazingly soon after he cut me out and say that it wasn’t until you that he realized he never loved her. He’ll tell you he’s never fallen in love so quickly, and he just can’t help himself. Trust me. He doesn’t know what love is. He isn’t capable of it.
He is a pathological narcissist. That sounds harsh, right? We all toss the word narcissist around a lot. But look up that actual diagnosis. Make the connections between the things you’ve experienced and what they are telling you. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. Scared yet? You should be.
I promise you as soon as I become aware of you I’ll try to tell you. If you’re anything like me, you won’t be ready to hear it. But I know the day will come when you will start to see what’s happening, and you’ll need confirmation that you aren’t crazy. I promise to give that to you.
Don’t believe him when he says he didn’t mean to hurt you physically or otherwise. It’s not true. He knows, exactly, what he is doing, and there is a long trail of destruction behind him. It’s part of his game. He needs to see how much you will take before you start to draw boundaries. Once you begin to draw boundaries, he will back off a bit, but only if you tell him how much you appreciate the efforts he is making. Look closely at that for what it is. YOU ARE THANKING HIM FOR NOT HURTING YOU. Or sometimes, for not hurting you as much as he did before. He wants praise. He needs it. He craves it and deep down you know if you don’t give it to him he will go find it elsewhere. And you aren’t ready to give up those good feelings no matter how sporadic they are becoming. I get it. But to others it is incomprehensible.
And they will leave. Be ready. They won’t understand why you are putting up with things, and they will get tired of hearing it. You will become more and more alone. Sorry honey, this is a part of his plan. The fewer people there are around you, the less interference he will have to deal with. Be honest. He’s already made you cut people out of your life because “in some way they hurt him”, right? It’s all part of his process.
A few brave souls will tell you to leave. They will point out the way you never smile anymore, how you never laugh or go out. But you know that they don’t understand. That they don’t know what he’s gone through and if you can just get him through it, things will be incredible, and your life will go back to normal with him by your side. After all, he would do anything for you. He told you so.
But what has he done for you? He compliments you, of course. But has he ever truly showed concerns for your needs? I hate to be the one to tell you, he won’t. I know this because he can’t. He isn’t capable of it beyond acting the part, and that won’t last long because it doesn’t serve him.
You need to leave. You need to run as far away as you can and never look back. I know this hurt. You want to help him. Here is your lesson. You can’t. It’s a sad fact of life and one that’s hard to accept, but you didn’t fail. It just wasn’t possible. It may never be but trust me when I say you will lose everything trying.
So now you need to go get help. Seek therapy. Call those friends and family members that left. Most will still be there, I promise. And go ahead. Call me. It won’t be an easy conversation for either of us, and the realities will slam us both. But there is healing in it. And we all need to heal.